quick update since i've apparently dropped off the face of LJ world....

&! christmas was wonderful
&! going to giant village for NYE
&! went to MI to see family = froze my ass off in the snow
&! i'm starving right now
&! i start a new work shift january 3: 6am-3pm
&! i'm cutting back to drinking only once a month (wish me luck!)
&! i've gained 10 lbs :(
&! life is great

HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!! <333

( i wish it was spundae )

no digitals allowed inside monster.
forgot my disposable in the car.
most of them are dark due to drunkeness.

*tagged by__cinema

what do you do to de-stress?

- sing out loud in the car.
- listen to d&b or "angry" music.
- write.
- work out.
- eat fattening/greasy foods.

tagging:

hallucinogenik

7thremix

deviantways

cryptika

for the first time in a long while, i have a lot to say. unfortunately, there is only one thing on my mind:

* i found out today that my 18-year-old brother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. talk about a shock to the system. apparently, a female friend of his found him in his dorm with his head completely shaved bald [he's had an afro of curly blonde hair that he cherished for as long as i can remember], his eyebrows shaven, &his wrists slit. he was rushed to ER, then transferred to ICU at some point, &now he remains in the mental health ward where they are continuing to perform tests on him. this has all happened over the course of the last five days. FIVE DAYS! i understand that he isn't my brother by blood - he isn't even my brother by marriage anymore. but i damn well grew up with that kid; since he was 1 and i was 3. 13 years of our lives were spent together as siblings; just because our parents got divorced does not mean i divorced matt as part of my family. he's my brother, by flesh or not, he's my fucking brother. &it took 5 days for me to get the little information i have. i've called his dad, i've had my mother call his dad - i'm tempted to start calling all the local hospitals to find where he is so i can find out if he's allowed visitors. but i wouldn't even know where to begin.

              &i'm worried sick for him.

As I was driving to work today, I thought about the changes I have gone through as a person over the last year. I think the most drastic revision I see in myself is that I’ve become simple-minded. I don’t mean that I’ve become childlike or unsophisticated or naïve in any way; I mean it more in the sense that I’ve turned into an artless, ingenuous soul. I no longer have profound thoughts circulating my brain in rapid movement 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am no longer inspired to write by music or poetry or even life events. My character has turned very blithe, not only on the surface but internally as well. Does it take a case of melancholia to be insightful? Can I not be both carefree AND philosophical?!?

the beautiful isaura is closing down [out-write], &therefore, my sub-domain, [phantom muse] will also be closing. i have not been able to update in nearly a year due to issues, first with my computer itself, &then with the domain provider &my ftp account.

i want to start fresh. i want to develop a new site. its main purpose, like PM, will be to archive my writing &for personal use. it will also have a section entirely dedicated to writing prompts, tips, guidelines, visuals, etc. since the birth of PM back in november 2002, i have changed drastically. i am now ready to present myself in a different form.

i had originally planned on purchasing my own domain. financially, that just isn't a possibility at this point in time. so i turn to you. would anybody be willing to host me? :)

inspired by anoceanofagirl:</span>

i love.......

/ when a man is a wonderful cook &actually enjoys putting a meal together.

/ the new bloc party album, silent alarm. [key tracks: banquet; so here we are; like eating glass; helicopter]

/ shower sex.

/ cold sheets &warm skin.

/ bikini weather.

/ the burn after a good workout.

/ sleeping in.

/ pierced nipples.

/ curling up with a good book.

/ my $80 pillows.

/ being in his arms.

/ the colour red.

/ miniskirts.

/ bj's santa fe salad.

/ dangly earrings.

/ kettleone vodka.

/ girl time.

/ 2manydjs.

/ bubblebaths.

[ theWEEKEND ]

.

i think i made up for doing nothing last weekend by doing tons of stuff this weekend.

.

f r i d a y: night out with the girls [&adam]. michelle, larisa, &i headed over to 330 down the street from my house around 10p. we were already pretty lit from doing shots of kettleone with my roommate &her friends back at my place. 330 was decently crowded w/ a much more eclectic crowd than when we went the thursday before. the really hot bartender remembered me from the week before &hooked us up with some free shots/drinks through out the night. i was so loaded that most of the night is a blur. i remember smoking vanilla cigars on the patio with michelle &getting hit on by a lot of dufus guys. but i was having a really good time... until i started to feel sick. i don't remember leaving the bar, i don't remember the drive home, i don't remember getting into bed, etc. apparently, i made larisa stop in the middle of the intersection on the way home so that i could yack. i don't remember yacking, but i guess i did - a lot. lol. i woke up the next morning feeling semi-hung over. went to breakfast with michelle &adam. slept it off.

.

s a t u r d a y: i literally slept most of the day. woke up around 3p &got ready to head over to mark's. made a quick stop at tilly's to get a few new shirts. got to mark's around 430p. he made me the best turkey sandwich ever &then we took a nap until nearly 8p! we lazied around for awhile &then got ready to go to avalon to see the crystal method &adam freeland. we got to LA shortly after 10p. because i bought our tickets online, we didn't have to wait in the line that was about 8 people wide &75feet long. we snuck right in &the moment i stepped in the door, i was pretty wowed. avalon is such a NICE club. it has about 8 bars throughout the whole place, lots of black leather booths &couches; there is stadium-like seating that overlooks the dancefloor &dj booth; &there is the coolest enclosed patio upstairs where the dj was playing some funky house. the patio had to be my favourite part - when you first step into it, it feels like you are just going into another room, because its surrounded by walls &these huge beautiful lanterns made of creme &blue beads hand from the part where their is ceiling. there is just a small section of the roof/walls that aren't there. anyway... the crystal method came on first [at 11p], which i was totally stoked about because i wasn't looking forward to getting home at 6a if they played the last set. THEY WERE INCREDIBLE. i saw them at coachella last year, &they were good. but this was COMPLETELY different. the sound in avalon, more particularly, the base, is awesome. its so hard &crisp &clear all at the same time; you can literally feel your body vibrating. mark &i kept turning to each other &saying, "OH MY GAWD!" in unison. we were screaming &throwing our hands up &dancing like man people. it was SO fun. oh &crystal played this totally rad breaks remix of let's groove tonight by earth, wind, &fire. man. i was loving it. they also played quite a few of the tracks off of their new mix album, like new order's bizarre love triangle. &it was so cool because you could tell the two of them were just having the time of their lives up there, throwing down tracks for us kids in the crowd. they were singing along with all the songs, dancing, throwing their hands up, yelling, jumping into the crowd. it had to be the best dj performance i have seen in a LONG time. i needed that. adam freeland came on right after them [1a]. we listened to half of his set &took off around 2a. adam always throws it down, &he never fails to play nirvana which throws the entire crowd into a frenzy.

.

s u n d a y: mark FINALLY had a weekend day off. we tried to sleep in but the window in his room runs from the floor to the ceiling [at least 9ft tall &about 6ft wide] &the blinds they provide you with in apartments do NOT keep the sunlight from filtering through that window. so we were up pretty early &made breakfast together. it was beautiful outside, so we decided to go to the beach. we realized we didn't have any beach towels, so we stopped at target &i bought this huge beach blanket that is just like a huge towel &i want to take it everywhere with me. it is just the coolest thing ever. we bought some normal beach towels too. we had like 5 other errands to run, so by the time we made it to the beach, it was 3p. the sun was still out, &even though it was no more than 70 degrees &the breeze was pretty cool, we laid out the towels on the sand &stripped down to our bathing suits &caught some rays for a good two hours. it was SO relaxing. on the way home, he took me to wahoo's for some bomb fish tacos. ah. it was a lovely day.

[ otherSTUFF ]

.

on friday, i finally found the card i bought for mark that had the milk &cookie on the front &says, "you &me, we're good together." it got stuck in the back of a book during the move, so i never got to give it to him. i wrote a little message in it, just reminding him how i felt, etc. &i included two pieces of writing for him to read. yep, finally i decided i could let him read some of my writing. the first piece was entitled who, which i wrote about him back in september. it starts off, "i met a boy who..." &just lists all of the things i love about him. when he read it, his eyes were literally tearing up &he gave me this huge hug &was speechless. if he didn't know how highly i think of him before he read that, he definitely knows it now. it was kind of a silent milestone in our relationship [at least in my eyes]. i don't think he read the other one yet because he said he wanted to save it for later, like it was some kind of treat. or maybe it was just too much after reading the first one. anyway, the second one is entitled sink or swim, which i wrote in february after we got back from vegas the first time. in vegas, he told me he was scared, etc. so the piece about us both fearing getting hurt &how we didn't have to; that we should take the chance. i'm curious as to what his response will be... because its more of a poetic piece than the other one.

.

i'm sure nobody is still reading this, but oh well. i have 99% decided i am going to go into real estate. i'm still looking into everything, but it looks like the schooling you have to take to get your license isn't bad at all. i'm still looking into my options for the courses - my best bet is to go through tarbell realty because from what i understand, you can take all your courses for free through them AND they will place you in one of their offices after you get your license. i'm still researching that, but i'm getting really excited about doing this! in the mean time, i do need to find a new job. more &more, i am dreading coming into work. i am dreading DOING work [hence the reason this entry is probably so long]. i am dreading being here &dealing with the people i deal with while i'm here. it stresses me out &i don't need that. so. unless i get a chance this week sometime after work, i will be pro-actively doing a job search on sunday.

.

mark bought us both season passes for six flags. WOOHOO. looks like we will be going this saturday, so that should be fun! :)

- the pregnancy test came back NEGATIVE. thank goodness! so a little bit of stress has been alleviated. but i'm still not feeling GOOD.

- i spent the majority of my weekend in bed, despite the plans i had made. boo. :( i was just not feeling up for doing ANYTHING. last thursday, i went to 330 with larisa &met up with niki &a couple of her friends who were all very cool chicas. we had a blast, but that left me with only 3 hours of sleep before the weekend. not cool. i literally fell asleep at my desk on friday morning. friday night, mark wanted to go out, but because i wasn't feeling well, we just caught a movie [sin city, which i would def recommend] &came home &crashed. that was the extent of excitement for me. i layed in bed, watched some movies, &read. i was a total bed potato. but it was all much needed rest. unfortunately, it didn't pay off too much because i'm still having pains in my ovaries &now my heart is hurting. the best of it is that my cough has moved out of my lungs/chest &it only remains a bit of a phlemy-throaty thing that should go away within the next couple of days, i'd imagine.

- tonight is laundry night. i had planned of taking care of it over the weekend, but did not have the energy. so tonight is the night. &i must work out. after that, it's bed time early for me. ian pooley will keep me from much sleep tomorrow night so i have to stock up.

- god damn do i love house music. i bumped dj heather's dancefloor principles all the way to work this morning &despite the yucky, sick feeling lingering within me, i felt GOOD. i actually FORGOT how icky i felt until i turned off the ignition. boo.

- so my surgery appointment is scheduled - may 13 is the day. bigger boobies HERE I COME! :D its funny because the people who i thought might give me a hard time about it aren't. which is good. i know everybody has their own opinion about them, but the fact is it's my body. just because i want bigger breasts doesn't mean i have some sort of psychological/self-image problem; i am satisfied with my natural body as it is now. but i WANT bigger breasts. its as simple as that.

- i still feel ill. tuesday i felt perfectly fine, aside from this cough that has become a constant. but wednesday, i was not feeling up to par &today i'm back to feeling how i felt sunday/monday. except along with the nausea this morning came vomitting. eek. i'm going to pick up an at-home pg test, if nothing else but to calm my nerves.

- tuesday night was tons of fun. i love seeing mah girls with smiles on their faces. &clay's automatically classic line, "if they slipped me some rufies, don't let them take me away!" lol. note to all drinkers: don't get really drunk &start drinking beer from random bottles. note to self x1: don't drive drunk or let mark drive drunk! note to self x2: look harder for your friends before you leave the club (sorry)! note to self x3: big black men who tell your man "you don't kiss ME like that anymore!" are hilarious!

- i am looking forward to spending more time with the girls. since mel is single &on the prowl, larisa is loving the party life, &michelle is ready to mingle, we are going to have some fun! tonight, its dinner with la &then meeting up with niki at club 330. tomorrow night, i'll probably cuddle up or hit up some bars in hermosa with the boy. then, saturday we are having girls day/night/morning/whenever. i'm ready to have some fun so i hope i feel better!

- i'm not sure where to begin &where to end. it has been over a week since i've posted &during that week, i have had absolutely no desire to post anything here. not that i have even had the time or internet connection to do so; but even still, my thoughts have been rather secluded; withdrawn. something is going on with me internally &i can't pinpoint it. maybe it is all the stress &pressure i have been under at work; maybe this is my way of adjusting to the changes that are being made in my life (moving to a new area, being further from my friends, being closer to mark, etc.); or maybe i am pregnant. i actually fear the latter - i know there is no reason to get all worked up about it for nothing, but my body has been reacting quite oddly as of late. i have had these horrible tight pains in the area where my ovaries are; at first i attributed the pains to working out, but i haven't done ab excersizes in over a week &the pains are worse now than they were then. my breasts have been sore &sensative to touch &a bit swollen. i feel worse in the mornings than i do for the rest of the day - an unsettling feeling in my stomach. not to mention, i have been overly moody &irritable. it has been two weeks since i got my quarterly depo shot - &if it had only been a week since i had gotten it, i would attribute most of these symptoms to that - but because it has been more than long enough for my body to adjust to the dosage, something doesn't feel right. something feels different. my best bet would probably be to go to the doctor. but i can't miss any work this week. i'm going to wait it out &if i still feel this way next week, you bet i'll be visiting the doctor. i've also had a lingering congested cough that has been keeping me up at night &making me semi-miserable during the day.

- in other news... *vegas was awesome. i'll be posting photos once i hook up my wireless router at home (hopefully tonight). *i love my new home. *i love mark's new home (he moved on friday). *coconut lime verbana lotion from bath &body works is the shit. *i'm seriously looking into getting my real estate license. *i had my breast augmentation consultation &i'll be getting them done early to mid may. *mark &i had our first "argument" - it lasted about 5 minutes (lol).

on the upcoming:
april 5. charles feelgood @focus
april 12. ian pooley @focus
april 16. crystal method &adam freeland @avaland
april 19. vinyl tribe @focus
april 23. heading home w/ john tejada, lance desardi &lillyanne
april 27. saosin @the glass house
may 1. coachella!

last night, i stood inside house of blues with christopher, drinking new castle, and listening to the crowd nearly drown out the voices of the bands that graced the stage:

the academy is...
midtown
fall out boy

&suddenly, i remembered. i remembered why i love live music so much. it's like an adrenaline rush, a natural high - your whole body feels it as the amps push out the guitar rifts &the lead singer's voice dances in melody &the beat of the drums echo in the background. your whole body feels it when it is music that you love. &i love watching everybody else in the crowd, bobbing their heads out of rhythm &singing out of tune but not caring at all what they look or sound like, only that they are there - in the moment with the music.

so. the show was awesome. i fell in love with the academy is.... their lead singer is so theatrical &their sound is just wow. i bought their album from the merch booth, but i accidentally left it with chris. i was reunited with my taste for midtown - you can always tell which bands have been together for a long time &their performance was superb. i need to pick up their new album. then - fall out boy. i cannot say enough wonderful things about them because every show it just seems to get better &better. they played two tracks from their new album that comes out on may 5th, so i was stoked to get a sample of what i have already been looking forward to. it has been decided that i must go to more shows. the one prior to this one was the beastie boys way back in septemeber &i'm sorry, but that is way too big of a gap in between. i NEED live music in my life. hm. i need a shirt that says that.

two words for ya - VEGAS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i come back, i will hopefully be toting an abundance of scandalous photos for your viewing pleasure ;)

[ 21 isn't really all its cracked up to be ]

- at least, not yet. i didn't get carded when i bought my first legal drink, a bomb ass georgia peach. (but i got carded at the second restaurant, so i guess that makes up for it?) my birthday was a good one, though. larisa, melanie, and i went to the cheesecake factory for lunch. that was fun - as larisa put it, "i'm here with mah guuuuurrrrllllssss." &i called her gansta. lol. we all had a nice buzz going on when we came back to my place &reminisced about the old days. dinner time brought mark, michael, julianne, chucky, neesha, jennapea, &scott to my place. the plan was to go to BJ's, but the wait was nearly 2 hours &it was already 830. so we hit up outback &had a wonderful dinner. every drink i had there was super strong &tasted like crap, except for the washington apple shots. those are SO good &i could drink them all day, every day. but it was kind of a disappointment because even their purple hooters were gross &i usually love those! anyway, we all made a run to the grocery store afterward &came back to my place to finish getting hammered. i think i passed out around 4am, but i was able to sleep off my hangover the next morning. all-in-all, it was a very enjoyable day. the real celebration shall commence this coming weekend when we hit up the bars, blackjack tables, dance clubs, &strip clubs in SIN CITY. {squeals} i am so excited, i can't WAIT!

[ moooooooo. ve. ]

i'm all settled into my new place. i spent all of friday night unpacking everything i own, throwing away the unnecessities &keeping the bare necessities. we had some major issues with our move-in, but hopefully everything will get resolved within the week. tunisha &i have lots of shopping to do because we are ready to decorate the place up all vintage-style. new address - if you want it, leave a comment with your email. i love getting snail mail! (ps-i owe julianna, andrea, &gia a snail mail letter/package... those will be on their way soonsoonsoon!}

[ tonight's nervousness ]

my dad is coming out to take me to dinner... &i invited mark. they have never met, so i'm kind of freaking out &i don't know why! i know my dad will love him - everybody does. but my dad... he's a nutcase, i swear. i'm not the kind of person who gets embarrassed, but my dad can embarrass me in a heartbeat! so. i don't know. this should be interesting...

so. my 21st is tomorrow. happy birthday to me! i moved last night &i won't have internet until monday. CHEERS.